Death By Chocolate...

Yesterday was my birthday!! Woo hoo!! I turned 29!! (Just not yesterday…more like two years ago.)

Many of you know, I am allergic to life. I honestly eat only about 10-15 different types of food…TOTAL. They are milk, chicken, eggs, beef, pork, peaches, celery, lettuce, bell peppers, organic cheese and the occasional sweet potato.

That’s it.

It may sound pretty drastic, but it keeps me from going into anaphylactic shock and keeps me free from the hives-stomach pains-dizziness and other nonsense food allergies can bring on, so I never deter from my eating plan…EVER. Day in and day out, I proudly display the willpower of a superhero when it comes to my dietary restrictions. Except for on my birthday.

Every year for my birthday my parents make me this amazing flourless chocolate cake using organic chocolate I would seriously think about selling my soul for.

It is HEAVENLY.

Sure, I’m allergic to chocolate but I only indulge in it once a year. Since I’m not incredibly allergic, usually I only have a few side effects…IF and ONLY IF…I stick to the rules.

Whitney’s Rules Of Eating Chocolate

1) Only eat it once a year.
2) Limit consumption to one small amount when you do partake ONCE a year.
3) Never, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, eat it twice in one day.

(Side note: Those with food allergies usually know if you’re prone to food allergies, you should never eat the same food twice in one day. Otherwise, your body can react to foods it normally wouldn’t react to. So, on a normal day I have to limit myself to eating eggs once, eating chicken once…you get the point. I once ignored this rule and had soup beans both for lunch and dinner one day. What happened? Oh…I had one of the worst food reactions I’ve EVER had, was scared out of my mind, was borderline going into genuine shock, and now I can’t ever eat beans again. Needless to say, I learned my lesson…sort of.)

Anyhow, last night I satisfied my once-a-year-chocolate-cravings with the special birthday cake my mother brought over. It was everything.

EVERYTHING.

I was a good girl. I had a small piece and then didn’t return for more. I followed the rules.

But, when I woke up this morning, things had changed. Overnight, my superhero willpower somehow vanished and the first thing I did when I woke up was rush to the kitchen to eat more chocolate cake…with MY FINGERS. Really?! Who does that? This girl does, apparently. By the time I came to my senses, I looked down and realized I'd eaten HALF of the cake!

Oh. My. Land.

I immediately felt guilty and told Hubbit what I’d done, in which he responded with a roaring laugh. I’m glad he thinks my serious chocolate-cake-binging-problem is SO FLIPPIN’ FUNNY.

To be fair, Hubbit usually doesn’t get involved when it comes to my chocolate addiction. I mean seriously, he’s a very smart man who realizes one should never come in between a woman and her chocolate. But, the truth is I’m not sure he is just wise to women after being married to one of the most challenging women on the face of this earth (I wear the badge proudly) OR he is secretly hoping I’ll have a horrendous reaction and he’ll FINALLY get to administer the EPI-Pen to me. He was THRILLED when I was prescribed one, making joke after joke about how AWESOME it would be to stab me in the leg with it. He’s sadistic like that. I blame it on his job. (I’m joking firemen…JOKING.)

The last time I went on a chocolate binge, it lasted a week. It was three years ago and I’d gorged myself all week, day and night on organic chocolate chips, eating bag after bag like a total freak. While I didn’t end up having an anaphylactic reaction requiring Hubbit to administer my EPI-Pen, it did land me in the cardiologist’s office with an IRREGULAR heartbeat that wouldn’t subside for a week even after I quit ingesting my tasty enemy.

Seriously, my body hates most food and especially loathes caffeine. A normal person could drink five cups of coffee one day and maybe end up with something as minor as being unable to sleep that evening. But, if I did the same, chances are I’d be in the flippin’ hospital with a heart that just couldn’t get itself together.

After showering off my shame and dressing in mostly black to hide the "food baby" I was sporting in the lower tummy area, I attempted to throw out the rest of the cake. However, Bug and Flea both pleaded with me to save it a little while longer, so they too could have a piece after lunch. I agreed, reluctantly, and decided we should leave the house for a bit to get my mind (and my grubby fingers) far away from my own personal chocolate-laced-CrackRock. So, we spent the morning shopping at the local flea market and sporting goods store.

Sadly, the distraction of the flea market and sporting goods store failed. Completely. As soon as I got home from our shopping trip, the cake starting calling (more like SHOUTING) my name. Bug saw my strength failing me as I walked slowly toward the cake and even tried to talk me down, asking me if chocolate cake was really worth:

1) getting fat
2) dying

I told him, it most certainly WAS. However, after shoving another two heaping forkfuls into my mouth, I realized something drastic had to be done.
The cake HAD TO GO and with that realization, I threw it into garbage can.

One would think throwing the cake away, into the disgusting garbage, would be enough to deter a germ-a-phobe from thinking about eating it.

But, Noooooooo.

My urges were just too strong. Only five minutes after tossing it out, I honestly thought about digging it OUT OF THE GARBAGE and eating it. Seriously, I was acting like a total crack addict jonesin’ to get that last bit of rock. It was ridiculous!

So, I did what any hanging-onto-the-recovery-wagon-with-the-tips-of-her-nails-only-addict had to do.

I went over to the garbage, looked down upon the ever-so-delicious-and-potentially-life-threatening treat and…

Sprayed it with Windex.

Problem solved.

Whitney

“I would give up chocolate, but I’m not quitter.” (Author Unknown)