Today, Hubbit and I took Bug to his first official appointment with his Diabetes doctor. Since he was diagnosed in mid-January he's only been to his regular pediatrician. I figured since for the last doctor visit Bug had, I took him without additional adult supervision (AKA one of my many tag team partners), I’d drag Hubbit along for this one. After the ridiculousness Bug threw out at his physical two weeks ago while Hubbit was working, I figured calling in backup for this visit was more than necessary.
Little did I know…this visit was destined to fail, regardless of whether I brought Hubbit along or not.
First, let me just say I live in a town with one of the best University hospitals in the eastern region of our country. Billions of dollars are spent each year not only on research, but also to encourage the country’s most qualified specialists to come here for work. The level of care provided, in specialty areas of medicine, is basically unmatched anywhere near our city.
But, silly me. I ignorantly assumed since the University is highly respected and the pediatric endocrinology department had such a raving reputation itself, a visit to their offices would feel at least SLIGHTLY different than a visit to the FREE county health department clinic.
(Side Note: Before anyone gets all huffy with me about dogging the Health Department, CALM yourself. The Health Department is a great service and since it’s basically FREE, I wouldn’t expect much if I did visit there. I totally understand they likely have no funding for art on the walls, live plants, a kids' corner or anything else you might see in a private practice. But, when you’re in the area’s “best” child Diabetes office, are paying premium insurance rates and have to cough up a co-pay that would be better spent on a spa pedicure, you’d expect to at least not have to endure a waiting room which smells like body odor, right?)
Anyhow, I should have suspected this visit was doomed immediately after we arrived. Hubbit was kind enough to drop Bug and I off while he parked in the aggravating parking garage (which BY THE WAY, you have to pay for whether your ticket is validated or not). I began signing Bug in on the registration clipboard, while also chatting with the receptionist. As I was handing over insurance information to the clerk, Bug came up beside me and leaned against the wall.
All of a sudden, I heard a gentle "woosh" sound. It sounded like a burst from an instant air freshener, which at this point was a very welcomed sound considering I’m not sure anyone else waiting in the room had showered in weeks. I'm serious. The stink was almost unbearable.
As I turned to look for the air freshener system, I quickly noticed my auditory instinct was inaccurate. No, it was not an air freshener I heard going off with the gental "woosh" sound.
Nope.
Instead, up against the wall, there stood Bug…with globs of hand sanitizer running down his forehead. He looked shocked, as if he had no idea what had hit him. Little did he know, when he’d decided to lean against the wall, he’d positioned himself directly UNDER the automatic hand sanitizer dispenser! I immediately burst out laughing but he still hadn’t exactly caught on to what was happening. He had no idea his sole presence under the machine was making it dispense sanitizer onto his noggin' at a rapid rate. So, while I was trying to unclench my legs (so I didn’t tinkle) long enough to move him, the hand sanitizer just kept pouring onto his head and shirt.
Oh. Em. Gee.
We managed to collect ourselves (and when I say “we”, I really just mean “me” ) and found the only seats available, which happened to be in the smack dab center of the giant waiting room. The room not only smelled like B.O. but it was also visibly dingy, so I tried to keep our belongings hugged tightly in my lap. After all, I definately wanted to avoid any unnecessary contamination. However, only a few moments after I sat down, the lady sitting directly across from me began hacking her head off. I mean, she wasn’t just barely coughing…she was COUGHING. Did she not see the friendly sign asking anyone with a cough to take a MASK or was she simply illiterate?! Sadly, I’ll never know.
Listen, I am a slight germ-a-phobe. It's not that dramatic really. It merely means, I do NOT like to be coughed, sneezed or spat on. I prefer people to keep their nasty bodily fluids to themselves, at ALL times. So, going to the doctor’s office can bring on panic for me. Typically, in specialists offices I don’t have to worry too much, because most patients are there for more complex reasons than a common cold.
But, NOT today. Germs were a’flying left and right!
As I frantically dug in my purse for anything I had to shield myself from her disgusting germs, Hubbit joined us. Although he caught me taking a piece of paper (It was the ONLY thing I could find!) and very obviously shielding my face from her “fluids”, he wasn’t dazed. After all, he’s been married to me for 11 years and none of my shenanigans shock him, even for one instant.
The nice part was I didn’t have to worry about trying to shield Bug from her likely-cold-or-possibly-worse-meningitis-avian-flu-hybrid-germs because well…he had already accidentally disinfected his ENTIRE HEAD with hand sanitizer. I'm pretty sure he'll be germ free from the neck up for the next two weeks, with or without bathing.
I have never been so excited to hear our names called as I was when the nurse mispronounced our last name. The truth is, I wasn’t sure if I could hold my breath to avoid inhaling illness for much longer without passing out. But, the actual visit really didn’t go much better. Bug did get a great “Doctor’s Report”, but once again his non-ADHD behaviors came out as soon as we were placed in a room. While I thought Hubbit might be a nice buffer to keep him calm, it turns out the addition of Hubbit in the room only gave Bug another person to use as a jungle gym.
While I’m 100% sure we’re ready for a new endocrinology office that does not make me feel like I need to take a Hazmat disinfection shower each time I leave, I do have to give props to the Nurse Practitioner we saw today. As she was chatting with Hubbit, Bug decided to randomly ninjy kick him right in “the area”. Although he hunched over in pain and she clearly saw the entire thing, she skipped no beat by instantly turning her attention to me and continuing the conversation, like she’d never seen a thing! That's professionalism at its best, right there.
Whitney
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” (Erma Bombeck)
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