Throw Down In Kroger

Today was pretty uneventful because the kids were at school. But, leave it to them to create some Maury type drama this afternoon. I should have known their complete silence for the first two minutes after I picked them up was a total fake out.

Thinking they were being oddly polite I decided to do the unthinkable and stop by the grocery store on our way home. I figured they could handle a quick trip to get the bare necessities. (You know, the stuff your household can’t live without? Diet 7-Up, Tide and three boxes of Little Debbie cakes.)

They quickly reminded me I must have lost my mind to think the grocery was a good idea. Only five minutes after picking them up from school, they were throwing down in Kroger’s. I don’t mean just kind of picking on each other.

I mean THROWING DOWN.

We had ninja kicks, Judy chops, choke holds, rolling on the floor…the whole shebang. (Side note: I should probably delete the six hours of WWE we have recorded on DVR, just in case it contributed to their impressive skills.) The match was quite uneven with Flea being 5’4 and Bug coming in under 60 pounds. But, I will say Bug is quite scrappy (he gets it from me) and plays really dirty, so Flea didn’t go completely unharmed.

So, what did I do? I pulled them off of each other (as best I could since Flea is not only as tall as me but also outweighs me by about 40 pounds) with my famous Claw Pinch.

I tell ya, some mothers have “The Look”, some have “The Belt” and I have “The Claw Pinch”. If you ask my kids what they fear most about me, I’d bet one million dollars they’d say, “The Claw Pinch”. I’ve perfected it over the past few years and I don’t have to use it very often. Only in extreme cases. No, it doesn’t really hurt them so don’t freak out! It’s just a tiny little pinch that doesn’t even leave a mark. But, the beauty of it is they HATE it. (bahahaha…THE POWER…bahahaha)

Their match for the Heavyweight Title Belt drew quite a crowd (picture two kids rolling around on the floor, kicking, screaming and throwing punches in the middle of the front area of Kroger). I did get a few snarls by other shopping mothers.

They MUST have just been envious I could stop professional wrestling moves so effectively with just one tiny pinch of the arm. (The moves being demonstrated by my angelic sons were apparently called the “F-U” and the “Attitude Adjustment”, but from where I was standing it sure didn’t look like any “Attitude Adjustment” I ever got as a kid!)

OR…

Perhaps these holier-than-thou mothers only birthed girls.

Surely, they weren’t wondering what kind of mother raised two barbaric kids who went ballistic on each other in such a crowded public place. (sarcasm intended)

Highlight of the moment: As I’m standing in the middle of the aisle with Bug crying a river into my coat and women looking at me in horror, Flea says, “I didn’t punch him, I only smashed his head”. Note, this came after I witnessed him punching Bug right in the face with my very own eyes.

The oddest part of the situation was the way they made up. It went a little like this...

Location: My Swagger Wagon, 10 minutes after the throw down in Kroger.

* Flea was eating a piece of fried chicken (from the Kroger deli. yum. yum.) he’d managed to throw in my cart before the big fight scene.

Bug: That chicken sure smells good.
Flea: Do you want a bite?
Bug: Do you have enough to share?
Flea: Yep, I’m finished. You can have the rest.
Bug: Thanks brother. You’re the best!
Flea: You’re welcome!

* All was well and smiles were abundant, like nothing ever happened and they weren’t smashing each other into the Kroger floor just moments before.

Of course, the one thing I have learned as a mother to boys is, there is nothing about the relationship of brotherhood that’s logical. Absolutely nothing.

Whitney

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty. (Jeff Foxworthy)